Ending Self-Sabotage: How to Nurture Healthier Relationships
Do you find yourself creating distance just as your relationship begins to feel secure? Or perhaps you start unnecessary disagreements when closeness develops? You’re not alone. Many people unintentionally sabotage relationships due to fear, past hurts, or long-held beliefs.
The positive news? You can learn to recognise these patterns and change them, allowing you to build the loving, secure relationship you deserve.
What Does Relationship Self-Sabotage Mean?
Self-sabotage in relationships occurs when you unconsciously act in ways that push away the love and closeness you truly want. This might include:
- Starting arguments over small matters
- Testing your partner’s commitment repeatedly
- Avoiding emotional closeness or vulnerability
- Overthinking and expecting the worst
- Withdrawing just as you start to feel connected
Often, these patterns are rooted in fears of rejection or abandonment, or in discomfort with intimacy because of past experiences.
Signs You May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship
Here are some signs to watch for:
- Persistent fear your partner will leave, even without reason
- Pushing your partner away when you feel emotionally close
- Frequently criticising your partner
- Creating drama when things are calm because calm feels uncomfortable
- Withholding your needs, then feeling resentful they aren’t met
- Struggling to accept kindness or compliments
- Shutting down during disagreements rather than expressing yourself
Recognising these behaviours with self-compassion is the first step towards change.
Why Do We Sabotage Our Relationships?
These patterns often come from:
- Fear of Vulnerability: Letting someone in may feel frightening if you have been hurt before.
- Low Self-Worth: Feeling undeserving of love can lead you to push it away or test your partner’s affection. It can also result in very poor relationship choices.
- Attachment Wounds: If your early caregivers were inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, you may expect the same in adulthood.
- Fear of Rejection or Abandonment: You might push away closeness to feel in control, believing it will protect you from future hurt.
Steps to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship
Here is how you can begin shifting these patterns:
1. Build Awareness
Notice the moments when you act in ways that undermine your relationship. Keep track of:
- What triggered your reaction?
- What fear or belief arose?
- How did you respond?
This awareness gives you the choice to respond differently next time.
2. Understand Your Fears and Core Beliefs
Ask yourself:
- “What am I afraid will happen if I allow this person to get close?”
- “Do I believe I deserve love?”
Exploring these core beliefs will help you address them directly rather than acting them out.
3. Communicate Honestly
When you feel like pulling away or starting an argument, pause and express what you are feeling:
“I feel scared about how close we are getting, and I don’t want to push you away.”
Invite your partner to share their feelings too and listen carefully. Shared vulnerability creates connection and reduces the need for sabotage.
4. Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts
When you notice thoughts like:
- “They will leave me.”
- “They don’t truly love me.”
Ask yourself:
- “Is this thought based on evidence, or on past fears?”
- “What proof do I have that supports a different view?”
5. Practise Self-Compassion
These patterns developed as ways to protect yourself in the past. It is natural to struggle while learning new ways of relating, so be kind to yourself during this process.
6. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If you find it difficult to break these patterns on your own, working with a therapist can help you address the deeper fears and attachment wounds beneath these behaviours.
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage in relationships is a common issue, but it does not have to dictate your future. By recognising these patterns and making small, consistent changes, you can create relationships that feel safe, supportive and loving.
Remember:
- Awareness brings choice.
- Vulnerability builds trust.
- Self-compassion enables growth.
You deserve a relationship where you can love and be loved safely, and ways to nurture closeness and connection with your partner will become key to maintaining happiness.
Take a Step This Week
If you are ready to stop pushing away love, begin by observing your patterns this week. Try taking one small step, such as pausing before reacting or expressing a fear honestly with your partner, and notice the difference it makes in your relationship.